Sweet Smell of Success

I always think about successful people because in a way I don’t want to be a loser in life. I want to be appreciated. I want my grandmother to tell her friends that she is proud of me and that in a way I made all the clever choices in life and I always worked hard and I made something out of my life. When I got in a film program in 2004, she didn’t tell her friends that I was going to study film. But what is success really? 2008 was the worst year in my life. I mean it was really bad. I was working for my thesis project which was a short film that I wanted to do but I really got unlucky during the production process. Okay, I have to admit, I had a very weak script and I just couldn’t make it better. I felt like the main character in Barton Fink, I mean whatever I did just didn’t work for that script. My intention was to make a film about characters because that would enable me to really work closely with actors and acting and I was thinking that could sharpen my skills of directing. I think I was right in that way if there is one thing I don’t regret, this is it. But the script? It was a nightmare! The other problem was that I just couldn’t find a decent professor who would go with me with all the process of scriptwriting. When it came to casting, it just got worst. I mean let tell you something about the young generation actors situated in Istanbul. Of course there may be exceptions but they are really running away from the hard work. I visited all the universities which had theatre program. I mean what are you waiting for? I am an aspiring film student and you want to be an actor, what are you waiting for? Are you waiting an invitation from Spielberg? This is a chance for you to show yourself, to experiment, to know yourself and even if you don’t want that, it is an opportunity to know people. I mean what more can I say. Most of the actors in Istanbul, they live in Cihangir, they usually go to tv serial shooting (which I think is a nightmare) for two or three days a week and the rest of the time, they drink tea in the middle of Cihangir doing nothing! They sit there with there huge ego talking about how big they will become as an actor in the future. Let me tell you something. You are not going anywhere and you are not going to leave Cihangir for the rest of your life! But I am sure the second one is what you expect from life. Like I said before, there are some exceptions. For example, the actress which I could find in the last moment was really great and she really wanted to be a part of it. I was very luck to have her.
The day when I was going to show my film to the professors in my university, I was stressed. There were about 40 or 50 people in the screening room and I always feel weird when I watch my work with the audience. After the screening, when I got up in front of everybody, there was an uncomfortable silence for about a minute. Than people started to yell about how bad the film was. I just coulnd’t say anything. And I worked hard not to cry there.
I was feeling very bad but I just had to find a way to get over it. After 3 days of screening, I was going to start to work in a feature film as an assistant director which I was waiting eagerly, I was invited there by my professor which I had a great relationship in the school, I wasn’t going to get paid but I really liked the director and I was looking forward to it. At the same time, I got an e-mail from the film school that I applied two months before saying that they were interested in my portfolio but wanted to know more about me and I made a schedule with them on the day of my birthday, 2nd of july, for the interview. I had 2 weeks before that day.
People I started to work with on the feature were really mean to me. I think this is something that I will never understand for the rest of my life because I don’t know why they acted this way. My professor too, was very hard on me and I just didn’t know what to do. I was trying to be positive all the time but everything I said or did was wrong for them. I was already feeling very bad because of my graduation film and this was very hard for me. Every time, I thought about quitting, I said to myself not to give up and every time I wanted to speak to my professor, he never had time for me and everytime I wanted to ask him about something, he would yell at me for no reason. I mean why?
The day before the interview, I told them that I was going to have an interview tomorrow, we had to go to Beykoz for the production, than at some point, I would go back to my house to get online on skype. Tomorrow morning, when I was at Beykoz, my brother who was staying with me called me that there were calling me on skype from the school. I couldn’t believe it. I always thought it was going to be in the afternoon but not in the morning. I was working so hard that I just couldn’t realize it was going to be in the morning. I called the school, they gave me 15 minutes!! From Beykoz to Sisli?! I arrived home in 45 minutes but it was already too late. I missed the interview with Brian Tufano and I missed my chance. And it was my birthday. And for a very long time, I really felt like a loser. I still do.

Failure?

I hate myself when my answer is “I don’t know” when someone older and more experienced than me asks me something about what I want to do in my life and what I expect from the future. I don’t think I have ever been lazy in my life. Actually what is lazy? Is it when you are good in your studies in high school or whatever and that makes you a hardworking person? I don’t think so. When I was a teenage, I was distracted by many other things. Girls, Stanley Kubrick, Robocop and my grades were average but I was always interested in something. I did theater, acting because I just loved to act and to be on the stage in front of everybody. I was interested in learning other languages, I had additional classes to learn Italian and English at the weekends. But there was one thing that was very obvious. Film. Now people ask me everywhere this question. “What are you going to do?” And I say I don’t know. Actually I know it. I know it from the age of 13. But I just don’t know how to do it. There is one thing that I cant figure it out that blocks me do it. Or maybe I am just impatient. Or maybe I wasn’t lucky enough to find the right companion so far to share my ideas with or to work with all the time. Or maybe I didn’t made the right decisions at some point in my life. But that’s okay I think. I am in this road now, and I dont have the intention to shy away from the hard work.
I hate when people criticize me because of my choices. Or I hate when people find me not appropriate for my choices. I exactly know what I am doing and believe me, I have thought about it just last night more that you did in your entire life.
I was very lucky to be in a workshop in Budapest last month where I had the chance to meet with film students from different places who share the same passion for films and filmmaking. Anthony Dod Mantle came to visit us and told us he didn’t know what to do until the age of thirty but he never stopped trying and forcing himself to find what he is actually looking for in life. It is a path actually and it is a very long path. Last year, he won an Oscar for his work Slumdog Millionaire.
Now, people who know me very well, know that I was trying to get in a school for two years but I was unfortunate because I missed my interview for the application process. God, I worked so hard to get in that film school! Believe me, I did everything. Sometimes things just happens and you cant control it. There is nothing you can do about it.
I am now in a art school and I feel strange. People ask me “Do you want to become an artist or stay in the mainstream?” My answer is obvious. Mainstream!. It was decided before I was born before the time of the Alexander the Great before all the myths were created. But then they ask me this question. “Is there anybody you can work with at this school?” And my answer is I don’t know.
Scottish born british director Alexander Mckendrick was a great film director. But in some point in his life he just couldn’t work anymore. Because he just didn’t like the way film directors had to start to promote themselves in Hollywood to get a job and he just didn’t make any films until the day he died for twenty years. But in his second part of his life, he started teaching at the famous film and art school Calarts, in California. His teachings were absolute, sharp, fascinating and inspiring. He taught so many young filmmakers and he inspired them. I wish I could be his student. David Mamet, in some point in his life taught at Columbia. And we all know about Terence Malick who is a very famous professor in Harvard who contributed a lot to the motion picture making business only with his four groundbreaking films. Why do I tell you this? I don’t know.
I was also very impressed when I met film students in this workshop. They didn’t have any fear or they weren’t stressed because of their choices. They were just happy to be in that profession and didn’t really care about more than that. I mean how do you do that? Is it only me who thinks about everything to much more and feels stressed and I just can’t handle it anymore.
I think I will have to finish this writing some other time but I don’t know how to end it. By the way, Mckendrick used to say, if you have a great beginning for a story but don’t have an ending, there is probably a problem in the beginning…